Light's wacky idea: never shower!
by James Tuddrussell
Summary: Our story begins with L "Buttercup" Lawliet, one of the 20 most beautiful... detectives in the world, and his tomboyish life on a farm with his parents, his horse, and Westley, their farm-boy.


Light's wacky idea: never shower!

Chapter one, Lithe vigils: hang a simians art

People. People are sad, and pathetic little rodents who run around in a disgusting maze hoping to stumble upon the proverbial cheese... which may or may not be there, but that is unimportant. What is important is that people are ill-equipped to deal with the world they are in. They are smart enough to know how awful the world is, but they don't care enough to do anything about it. It is always someone else's problem. It is always too much work, it is never their responsibility to clip the rotten twigs off the tree of life. What they need is a gardener: someone to stand above them, wielding the shears... on this day, those shears are mine. - Light Yagami's diary

Ryuk happened to come into possession of a spare death note. He is also bored, the other shinigami are content to just laze about, and gamble. Ryuk however is not, which is why he just threw the note down the trash... I mean portal to the human world, sometimes I confuse the two, though they do have good apples there. Yeah, I eat out of the garbage, what of it? You do it too!

Light is reading a book, while listening to his teacher ramble on about some woman from the feudal era who was probably a whore, but some texts say she might have been royalty. Light assumes that she was both, and labels his teacher as an idiot for bothering with history in the first place. History is not happening right now because it failed, and Light Yagami detests failures. As a matter of fact: If Light ever got into a fail contest he would win by winning... and then the universe would collapse.

Light glances out of the window just as a book drifts down in the distance, he takes note of it's location for further investigation. He returns to his studies, and finds that his teacher is talking about the whore of Caesar, and pyramids. Light hates pyramids, they are far too pyramidy. That, and whores live in them... well whores, and useless wastes of flesh, and oxygen that he could be breathing.

(Later that day)

Light begins experimenting with the death note, first he tests if it actually works, then he tests just how specific he can be with the cause of death. Light writes down, over the course of a week, well over a hundred names of criminals whose acts he deems unforgivable.

Ryuk wafts into Light's room as he is dramatically scribbling names into the death note. He notices that he does it without even a twinge of remorse, or even regret... Interesting.

"Light Yagami, I have come for you." Seeing his dancing monkey toy nearly crap his pants was amusing, but it will not do to have him die from shock. "Calm yourself, human. I mean you no harm, I come bearing gifts... The best kind too."

Light glares at the kami who invaded his home, He tries to ward the daemon. "Away with you foul beast of rot, and darkness!" His glare intensifies as his supernatural intruder does not disappear , or otherwise comply with his command. "Fine, have it your way." Light backs away slowly, then leaps for his closet. He grabs something out of a box, then threw it at the vile shade. "Eat butane, bitch!"

The ghostly thing did not dissipate in the cloud of n-butane, so on to plan B. Light uses a lit match, and a bottle of hairspray to propel flames at it.

Ryuk tilts his head in wonder at the silly human, who keeps doing funny things. He decides to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand. Which would've been more helpful a second ago, as things just now got out of hand.

Light pulled out his final two tricks for dealing with kami: An electrified cable, and a vial of holy water. He tossed the cable, which the ghastly abomination caught, then peered at suspiciously... Or is that a trick of the light, abomination's have no feelings. The hellbeast opened it's mouth... probably in a vain attempt to hex Light, but a splash of water solved that problem.

Ryuk blinked as the insignificant mortal tossed a vacuum tube or somewhat at him. He caught it, and was about to ask what it was for. But before he could, he got slightly damp, and tingly.

Ryuk glared at the human, he leaked a bit of his power into his eyes so that they would glow slightly. "Stop this nonsense, I have come here to tell you of the book you wield." He sees the human stop, then gaze inquisitively... either that or defenestratively, he's not very good with all that humany crap like recognising emotive responses.

"You can kill people with this thing. (he points at the death note) Its a note... of death!"

Light interrupts him. "I already figured out how it works, you mongrel!" Light was preparing himself for a rant about how glorious he was, and how the death note's feeble mysteries were crushed by his godly intellect, when the aforementioned mongrel dared to interrupt him!

"_Fine have it your way_, I shall tell you nothing of the book, but I will tell you this: I am a shinigami, and as long as this book remains in your possession I will be bound to it. But I am not on your side human, and don't you forget that." Ryuk glares a bit more to get his point across, then watches as the puny human grudgingly goes back to his work: Killing defenseless criminals in a very cowardly way, while keeping the moral high ground by metaphorically grabbing onto the door frame, and crying like a spoiled child. Humans are funny little devils, this looks to be a very interesting experience.

To be continued...

_preview of chapter two._

_I take off my shoes, though not to increase my deductive reasoning, but rather for my fan girls... They do like to see my toesies._

_Light unzipped his pants, and proceeds to urinate, but he does it __**DRAMATICALLY!!!**_

_Chief Yagami arrests his son in his own bedroom for being Kira after he heard him yelling about how he is Kira, and how he is going to exact divine justice on the scum of the earth._

"_No L, your weight gain is not because you haven't been burning enough calories with your brain, but rather because Light is the father of the fetus which is now growing somewhere in you abdomen. Oh, and your fetus has amnesia, __**DRAMATIC**__ amnesia._

_Raye looks into the crater of Mt. Fuji which was not hard to find, as it exists at all points in japan __simultaneously.__ "I must sacrifice this stray cat to the thunder god who lives in this volcano! If I don't, he will impregnate our male bodies with amnesia, and then kill our parents in the past!" He throws L into the volcano, then hula dances away._

_L gasps at Watari. "The sugar cubes are people... PEOPLE!" Light vomits, but in a __**DRAMATIC**__ way._

_Mrs. Yagami opened Light's door to give him some tea, only to drop it dramatically, as she sees her children getting to 'know' each other._

Author notes: I'm just screwing with you, none of this is going to happen, but you have my blessing if you were inspired to use them in your stories. Also, you get a cookie if you find all of the little hints, and break all the codes I put in this chapter. Another one, if you can figure out all the povs I used, and know where I'm going with this.

P.S. I am currently looking for a beta-reader, just IM me with your favourite part of this, and the one you like the least, and correct them if you so wish. Other than that, just do what you would normally while applying for head beta-reader of a story.


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